Handcraftedlifeblog

Hello.

I couldn’t bring myself to post more in February, for a lot of reasons. The “month of love” led me into reflection. Many realizations, some wonderful (I genuinely love who I am becoming because of who I have been…and I am only beginning this new becoming) and some I am still pondering; in my hidden depths, that may emerge as poetry, or some late night/early morning (I swing both ways these days) jumbled voice memo to tiny handful of dearest friends with whom voice memos are almost exclusively how we communicate ( I love you, I see you, and I do not pay you enough, in time or other material commodities to act as therapists playing the devil’s advocate).

But, as I lay here sprawled on my couch, tired & wired with a long day finished and another ahead, brain dumping onto this page; I felt the urge to write something.

It is in between the spaces of breath, the first deep ones I am taking in the whole day, that I acknowledge and welcome the pause. A settling in my bones, a knowing. Understanding that “Be Still” has so many layers of truth, regardless of where you land on the spiritual spectrum. In order for us to be balanced beings, we must have stillness AND movement. I have, for a long while, simultaneously deeply craved and been terrified of stillness. In that space, you can only be. There is only breath and whatever rises to the surface. It is so much easier to move through thoughts, emotions etc, by any sort of physical activity, and there is definitely a time and place when that is absolutely necessary. However, it takes no small amount of bravery to just sit with it. It isn’t in “clearing the mind” or “letting thoughts and emotions pass like clouds”, its in the silent work. And you do emerge from it. Breathing into the unsettled places and listening beyond the noise.

This is the work I am beginning in myself. I feel so drawn to it because I desire to be present above all else. When I can be fully present with myself, then I can bring that level of intention to every interaction in my day. When was the last time you felt truly seen by someone? How did it make you feel?

I want joy in simplicity, in this vapor of existence. Seeing, knowing and being seen and known. That is what makes a life worth living.

-Bethany